Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I mean…but I did
The only equipped I am is ill.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.