Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Great Canadian literature.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.