Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*