Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
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My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.