Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
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I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.