Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
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I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion