Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 馃巿 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
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Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Starting to think I鈥檓 single because of everyone else鈥檚 shortcomings.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we鈥檙e supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
GUY: I think I鈥檓 done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She鈥檚 ready.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.