oh you wanna fight?!
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
dogs can find happiness so easily
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.