Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
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My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie