Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.