Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
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zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *