Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”