Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
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Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?