Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
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It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The prophecy is fulfilled
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.