Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
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me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.