Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”