Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
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“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
this is uni
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.