Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
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Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I have many caverns
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.