Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*