Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
oh you like architecture? name three walls
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding