oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
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me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?