Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
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Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?