oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.