Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
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Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.