Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
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checking out some reviews of my local library
I hate everything
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t