Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
this article brought to you by lions
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.