ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
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Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
can I use a minion as a tampon
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future