Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
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Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified