ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
You Might Also Like
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
You got this…
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*