Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
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[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody