Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
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I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Finally!
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.