OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
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I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
me after eating Cheetos
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.