Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?