Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
for all #parents out there
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!