@panmidwest

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

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@AngryRaccoon2

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

@SteveDutzy

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

@Puncroaker

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

@AlexvanBeek

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

@briancthayer

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

@TeaPainUSA

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

@whatmaddness

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

@mom_tho

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

@Contwixt

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”