If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
me: *tears up application to harvard
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”