Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
You Might Also Like
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending