Ok but actually
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20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Growing up was a huge mistake