Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
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Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
BRO LMFAO
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.