Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy