Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?