Ok, but like, how married are you?
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I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
no one ever comes back
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.