@ashgrash
@darinlovesbacon Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
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@darinlovesbacon 
@TheBoydP Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
@simoncholland [sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
@capnmcfword Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
@MartinPilgrim1 My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
@UncleDuke1969 seems like a niche market
@roxiqt Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
@topaz_kell It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
@WilliamRodgers If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
@mllebeckyrose I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.