Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
seems like a niche market
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.