Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”