@ashgrash
@DadandBuried “Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
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@DadandBuried 
@_sweet_ham Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
@dirtydishtowels My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
@MissBamanthaa I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
@Fred_Delicious if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
@JohnLyonTweets Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
@weinerdog4life Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
@callieac8 Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
@JasonCarney31 Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
@urmumsausername My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.