Ok, but like, how married are you?
You Might Also Like
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
😂😂😂
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”