Ok, but like, how married are you?

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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”

Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.


Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.


I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.


if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there


Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.


Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.


Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming


Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge


My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.