Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
*looks at you in batman voice*
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
This chloroform smells expensiv…
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!