Ok, but like, how married are you?
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People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
reduce, reuse, recycle
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
i will not be silenced
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!