ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.