Ok can we all agree that we can’t have a 51st state? That would totally throw off the stars on the flag. We need to add like 5 states at once
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes