ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
no such thing as a dumb question