ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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HER: I want to have sex so badly
ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021
🔘 a way out
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever