Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
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Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
#milo
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Poetry is my passion
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.