OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
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While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]