OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
“Omg I have a cat?”
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*goes into kitchen
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper
“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose