“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
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My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder