Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
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I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?