OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
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How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Okay
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.