OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
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I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy