@Marcmywords2

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

You Might Also Like

@GoldenSpirals

I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.

@capnwatsisname

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

@KalvinMacleod

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

@praisecheese

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

@jackiembouvier

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

@ceejoyner

75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

@kimlockhartga

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.