Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

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I thought I might be pregnant.

It turns out I’m just three months fat.


WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them


Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.


FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake


This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.


I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.


75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.


Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.